This memorial website was created in the loving memory of our loved one, 

Derek Rayburn Hawley 

born in Scottsdale, Arizona, on
May 18, 1977  (I was blessed)

passed from this life on June 27, 2001 

in Newcastle, California, at the age of 
24 years, 1 month, 9 days. 


Pronounced at Auburn, California. 
My life on earth started in that town and a huge part was pronounced dead there too!

Suicide is such a horrible word.  It touches more than most people would admit.  Some say those who leave are cowards and take the easy way out.  I say that those who leave are in pain because they lose all hope.  Derek tried to live with values and  do what is right but saw only those who did wrong seemed to progress.  I am so sorry Derek lived with the pain that was caused by a couple of teachers and some peers who picked on him because he was quiet and sensitive.  People can do things that never go away.  Derek's second & 5th grade teachers were cruel!  A few months before Derek left, he still got emotional about what they did and how deeply it hurt him.  This was when he was almost 24!  Memories can be as sharp as knives!  I believe that people do leave something with others they meet, bump into, even a look, a smile.  I taught my babes that you should treat people as they wanted to treated.  The problem is/was, not everyone could comprehend that way of thinking.  I am so sorry Derek, Stacey, and Scott, that I didn't prepare you better for a sometime cold, cruel world.  I just wanted you all to feel so very loved and special.  You are to me and always will be!!!

I now understand all too well.  I am the coward because even though I have at times lost all hope, I would not be brave enough to put a rope around my neck and leave.  My baby might have not really meant it to go that far but only wanted to deal with his pain like cutters do but he was not spared, or maybe he was.  I have to have faith that he is now without pain and waiting for the day we are all together again.  Of course, he is always with me in my heart and mind. 

Our lives were destroyed so we know that is not the answer.  It takes more lives away than just the one gone.  A part of all of us died that day also.  We no longer have a home, lost jobs, our minds, our lives.  Life is a struggle.  We fight every moment to survive.  Survive we must!  No one should ever have to find out the hell we live.  My take is that life is hell and there is a better existance after but we all have our time to be born and our time to die and we must wait, be patient.
We must not condemn because we are not God and do not know everything!

Special Notice Lost ~ Found?
If someone found his silver thumb print on a silver necklace, in San Antonio, near the Alamo, that says, "My Baby Derek", please get in touch with me.  It was my fault it got lost, no one else's.  Please just let me have my baby's print back because I can no longer get another made.  The person who made it no longer has the mold.  I will pay a nice reward because it is worth much more than money.  A Round Rock Police Officer's card was in the case, you can also send it to him.  He lost a step-brother to suicide.

Derek



We will remember him forever. My first miracle and gift from God.  Is still so much loved, treasured as always, and missed by us all.