Memorial website in the memory of your loved one

This memorial website was created in the loving memory of our loved one, 

Derek Rayburn Hawley 

born in Scottsdale, Arizona, on
May 18, 1977
  (I was blessed)

passed from this life on June 27, 2001 

in Newcastle, California, 
at the age of 
24 years, 1 month, 9 days. 


Pronounced at Auburn, California. 
My life on earth started in that town and a huge part was pronounced dead there too!

Suicide is such a horrible word.  It touches more than most people would admit.  Some say those who leave are cowards and take the easy way out.  I say that those who leave are in pain because they lose all hope.  Derek tried to live with values and  do what is right but saw only those who did wrong seemed to progress.  I am so sorry Derek lived with the pain that was caused by a couple of teachers and some peers who picked on him because he was quiet and sensitive.  People can do things that never go away.  Derek's second & 5th grade teachers were cruel!  A few months before Derek left, he still got emotional about what they did and how deeply it hurt him.  This was when he was almost 24!  Memories can be as sharp as knives!  I believe that people do leave something with others they meet, bump into, even a look, a smile.  I taught my babes that you should treat people as they wanted to treated.  The problem is/was, not everyone could comprehend that way of thinking.  I am so sorry Derek, Stacey, and Scott, that I didn't prepare you better for a sometime cold, cruel world.  I just wanted you all to feel so very loved and special.  You are to me and always will be!!!

I now understand all too well.  I am the coward because even though I have at times lost all hope, I would not be brave enough to put a rope around my neck and leave.  My baby might have not really meant it to go that far but only wanted to deal with his pain like cutters do but he was not spared, or maybe he was.  I have to have faith that he is now without pain and waiting for the day we are all together again.  Of course, he is always with me in my heart and mind. 

Our lives were destroyed so we know that is not the answer.  It takes more lives away than just the one gone.  A part of all of us died that day also.  We no longer have a home, lost jobs, our minds, our lives.  Life is a struggle.  We fight every moment to survive.  Survive we must!  No one should ever have to find out the hell we live.  My take is that life is hell and there is a better existance after but we all have our time to be born and our time to die and we must wait, be patient.
We must not condemn because we are not God and do not know everything!


Special Notice Lost ~ Found?
If someone found his silver thumb print on a silver necklace, in San Antonio, near the Alamo, that says, "My Baby Derek", please get in touch with me.  It was my fault it got lost, no one else's.  Please just let me have my baby's print back because I can no longer get another made.  The person who made it no longer has the mold.  I will pay a nice reward because it is worth much more than money.  A Round Rock Police Officer's card was in the case, you can also send it to him.  He lost a step-brother to suicide.

WHAT OUR LIVES HAVE BECOME...

I HAD TO QUIT MY JOB DUE TO HEALTH ISSUES SO I HAVE NO MONEY. I AM LIVING IN NEW MEXICO WITH MY YOUNGEST SON WHO JUST BECAME A DADDY IN MAY. MY HUSBAND HAS NOT WORKED SINCE MAY DUE TO THE JOB BEING SENT TO ANOTHER COUNTRY.  WITH THE STRESS, HE HAD SEVERAL STROKES AND THE JOB PROMISED TO HIM WAS TAKEN AWAY.  PHONES, ELECTRIC HAVE BEEN TURNED OFF, UNABLE TO PAY RENT, TRUCK (HIS TRANSPORTATION) WAS REPOSSESSED AFTER PAYING ON IT FOR OVER 6 YEARS, EVEN AFTER AN AGREEMENT WAS MADE.  OVER THE YEARS WE HELPED OTHERS SAVE HOMES, CARS, BUSINESSES, BUT GUESS WHAT???  THEY WON'T HELP US! 

WE STILL HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO BUY ANOTHER HOME AND WITH STILL TRYING TO HELP OUR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS, UNLESS A MIRACLE HAPPENS, WE WILL NEVER OWN ANOTHER HOME.  NO MORE SECURITY...

THAT IS A PART OF LOSING A CHILD BY SUICIDE, MORE THAN THAT CHILD'S LIFE IS LOST.  I STILL SUFFER EVERY DAY WITH THE LOSS.  THIS IS AN UGLY SIDE OF SUICIDE.  NOT ONLY HAVE A HUGE PART OF US DIED, BUT OUR LIVES WERE DESTROYED AND SOME NOW LOOK AT US AS ABNORMAL. 

I HAVE SEEN SO MANY FAMILIES THAT LOST LOVED ONES ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE AND LOVED THEIR FAMILY MORE THAN ANYTHING.  MOST OF THOSE WHO LEFT WERE SENSITIVE, LOVED DEEPLY BUT ALSO HURT DEEPER.  SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND WANTING THE PAIN TO END.  WE ALL HAVE TO HAVE HOPE THAT THE FUTURE WILL HAVE TO GET BETTER BECAUSE WE ARE SO DEEP DOWN, THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY, UP....

Derek

We will remember him forever. My first miracle and gift from God.  Is still so much loved, treasured as always, and missed by us all. 

Love you my first baby boy born from my body.   Be in peace and happiness!  I hope you are having a wonderful time with being with others who's loved ones are in POS/FFOS.  Thank you for all the blessings you have given me.

Please take care of Tasha's mom who left this earth on June 13, 2007.  She is the future mom-in-law of your brother!  Also, your baby brother and Tasha had another suicide of her second cousin the day of the funeral.  Be there for them like he was there for you!

Tammy (Jan) Medina, 40, of Taos passed away on June 13, 2007. Children, Natasha and Ezra Medina, parents, Del and George Medina all of Eagle Nest, brothers and sister, George Medina (Mary Ann) of Albuquerque, Gary Medina (Teri) of Alcalde, Anthony Medina of Eagle Nest, Dean Medina of Montana, Wanda Medina of Eagle Nest, and many other relatives. Memorial service was held on June 16, 2007 at Rivera Chapel. Arrangements by Rivera-Hanlon Funeral Home. www.riverafuneralhome.com

IT IS SO HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS THE VOID THAT I FEEL,
MY FIRSTBORN SON LEFT ME WITH A HEART HARD AS STEEL.
NOT WANTING TO FEEL THE PAIN LOSING HIM LEFT.
REFUSING TO FEEL ANYTHING TO SURVIVE FOR THE REST.
I WONDER IF THOSE WHO WHERE CRUEL TO HIM NOW KNOW HE WAS BLESSED?

TOMORROW, THEN AFTER, WILL WE REALLY SURVIVE,

THIS LIVING HELL, LIFEMARE, WITHOUT DEREK BY OUR SIDE?
WONDERFUL, WITTY, SENSITIVE, CARING, LOVING,SO HANDSOME, AND TALENTED,
THOSE WHO HURT DEREK, DID THEY KNOW WHAT THEY PLANTED?
HURTFUL WORDS, THOSE WHO LIE, STEAL, AND CHEAT,
WILL NEVER MEASURE UP TO THE GROUP THAT IS ELITE.
OUR BABIES IN HEAVEN, PROTECTED NOW FROM THE CRUEL, UNFAIR WORLD,
LIVE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS AND MINDS BECAUSE THEY ARE STILL REAL!


Click here to see Derek Hawley's
Family Tree
Tributes and Condolences
~Wings Of An Angel~   / Melissa Carlie Adams Grandma..
The Wings Of An Angel So Pure And So White, The Wings Of An Angel Holding You Tight, The Wings Of An Angel Caressing Your Skin,The Wings Of An Angel Keeping The Love Within. These Wings From An Angel Are My Gift To You, These Wings From An Angel...  Continue >>
Our sons   / Rea Mom Of Emile De Miranda (Another surviving mom )
((((Shirley)))) You created a beautiful memorial to your handsome son Derek. I am so sorry for your loss. I know your pain because my Emile left exactly the same way. Lots of love and hugs!!!
A TRULY HANDSOME YOUNG MAN   / Shari Whitehead (VISITOR)
TO A PARENT, FROM ANOTHER THAT LOST A SON, APRIL 5, 2005, AGE 16YRS. (YANNICK)

DO NOT STAND AT MY GRAVE AND WEEP
I AM NOT THERE, I DO NOT SLEEP
I AM A THOUSAND WINDS THAT BLOW
I AM THE SUNLITE ON RIPENED GRAIN
I AM THE ...  Continue >>
Thinking of you   / Chris &. Lisa Cable
Dale & Shirley,  It is so sad to read about Derek even though we got to know him a little through you at the retreat.  He sounds like he was such a wonderful young man.  He is soooo handsome.
Please know that you are in our th...  Continue >>
THANK ALL OF YOU WHO VISIT DEREK!!!   / Shirley Hawley (Derek's Mom )
IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME TO BE ABLE TO SHARE MY DEREK WITH ALL OF YOU AND I AM BLESSED TO BE IN YOUR LIVES AND SHARE YOUR LOVED ONES ALSO. THIS SITE IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF DEREK BUT ALSO TO ALL MY LOVED ONES STILL HERE! I THANK GOD FOR HAVI...  Continue >>
REMEMBERING DEREK  / KATHY MATHIS (POS)    Read >>
More tributes and condolences...
Click here to pay tribute or offer your condolences
His legacy
My Firstborn Son  
Derek was the one who made me a real mother.  I wanted to be the best mom ever and make sure I taught my kids right from wrong but more importantly I wanted to make sure they knew how much they were loved and more important than anything or anyone because they were individuals. I failed at the important things I guess. I am so sorry because God gave me three beautiful children and messed it all up.  My apologies to all 3. I can't get used to losing Derek and can't get used to being alone. 
 
Derek's Photo Album
One creative idea. The red on his head was Derek using it as target practice...
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